Yes. It’s really my name.

But why? How?

Welcome, readers. For the 4 or 5 subscribers who aren’t old friends of mine; you may be wondering “Why would this guy choose a pen-name like that? His actual name can’t really be…

But it is. That’s my name . I would not choose to be associated with the insidious thing it makes you think of, but as fate would have it... that’s my name. And for most of my life it’s caused me to hear the following sentence at least once a week:

Yeah. Heh. Funny…
I probably even said it myself a few times.
But that was back when it was still amusing… before this one TV show aired and shit got real.

Thanks, Walter White.

I mean, great TV show… but it kind of messed up my life.
Let’s just say I’ve become a much more cautious driver.

This is real, dudes. My last name is really Meth, as is my father’s, as was his father’s, and so on.
But after some extensive research and travels, I’ve discovered the legendary origin of my family name. And let me say… after you hear it, you’ll rethink the mental image that word gives you.

To start, you need to place a little Euro accent mark over the only vowel.

See how it changes the vibe?

THE LEGEND:

Back in the 12th century, there was a clan of peasants who lived in the hills of Transylvania. They were the village brewers of a type of wine made from fermented bee-honey called “mead”, or as it was known in that region: “méth”.

These are my people.

At that point, the clan had no name. But one monumental event caused their profession and their title to be melded together until this very day.

The youngest brother of the clan, Kalman, had more interest in old books than in bootlegging alcohol from beehives. (He actually just wanted to be an illustrator but that was a tough living back then.) One evening when he was drawing in the attic, he received a news alert tweet. It came from a bird on the windowsill:

The bird tweeted at him, abrasively: “You have big problem! War is coming! You save village now!”

Out the window, Kalman saw a group of barbarians invading the valley… and a group of furious Draculas from the local castle on their way to confront them.

Kalman thought quickly and carried as many bottles of homemade méth as he could outside and stood between the two armies.

“Life is short! Let us not fight!” cried out Kalman. “Let us instead consume this delicious méth. It’s on the house. Let’s get jazzed about life!”

And they did.

Soundtrack: ‘Anyway You Want It’ by Journey

(Vampires drink alcohol as long as its not vegan. Honey is basically the blood of bees.)

And so The Viking-Vampire War was narrowly averted. This small corner of Europe was saved from an epic battle and its devastation. Kalman was celebrated as a hero and “Méth” was added to his name. His descendants would forever be identified with this beverage that had the power to save the world, long after anyone remembered why.

Over centuries, the Méth clan left the valley and trickled out to every corner of the world. England, Brazil, Canada, Kansas. We found new careers that didn’t involve bees. And along the way most of our accent marks got misplaced.

I hope you now think of this story every time you see my name.

It’s time to repeat the true prophecy of Méth again…
It’s time to make the world a bit less shitty by making people have some fun.

(and this time, I hope to do what Kalman never could: make a living as an illustrator).

Let us now become jazzed about life again!

-Dan Méth